I want my mommy

Psst! C'mere. A little closer... little bit closer... there you go. I have a very important secret to share. And it's big. It's huge. Monumental, even. And it's something that women have been wondering about for decades, nay, for centuries. That's right, I have discovered why men are such babies when they get sick.

(stunned silence descends upon the entire female population... of my blog)

I know, right? I mean, it's actually a very complex theory involving entropy, the law of averages, and time travel, so I won't go into specifics, but what I can tell you will blow your mind. Are you ready for this?

Men are such babies when they are sick because... wait for it... they have moms.

I'm telling you, it's true. It's so very, very true. Take last week at my house. Riley was sick (for the third Christmas in a row - who says we don't start our own holiday traditions?). He had the works: runny nose, barking cough, a fever. So what did I do? I babied him, of course. I nearly wore myself out trying to make my poor little boy feel better. That's my job. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's right there, in bold type, on page three of How to be the World's Best Mom. (At least it would be if such a book existed.) And Riley loved every minute of it. Go figure. But now there's an established pattern. He knows it and I know it. The pattern? He gets sick and the main woman in his life bends over backwards to make him happy. Seriously, why wouldn't a guy milk that for all it's worth? He'd be crazy not to! And hey, if it happens at five years old, why not at ten? Or twenty? Or thirty, when he's happily married to a lovely young woman who's going to want to beat me over the head with a shovel because I'm the moron who initiated this pattern in the first place?

So what's to be done, you might be asking yourself. Having a mom is not exactly something you can be cured of, you're saying. And you'd be right. That's why I want to shed some light on the plus side of this whole scenario. Let's say a woman catches cold. She will be sick for, on average, 6.7 days.* Given the exact same cold virus, a man will be sick for 2.4 days.** Why? Because that's what they learn from their mommies. Again, I offer proof from my own experiences of last week.

Day 1 - Riley, what do you need? Do you want anything to eat? Can I get you anything? Anything at all? Here's your blanket. Let me help you with that pillow.

Day 2 - I'm gonna put on a movie for you. Just try to relax, please.

Day 3 - Hey kid, if you're gonna whine, do it in your room cuz I've had it.

See, boys learn that there is a very specific, very fixed period of time in which they are sick and the woman in their life will still have patience with them. So they learn to be sick, get whatever they want, and then get to getting better because you do NOT want to mess with that woman on day three. She has a shovel, remember?

So there it is. My take on one of the previously unsolved mysteries of the universe. No need for thanks. It's just what I do.


*This statistic was blatantly fabricated.
** Again, big fat lie.


P.S. I should mention that Millie, who also had a cough, fever, and runny nose, was fairly pleasant to be around. So maybe we woman are just tougher. Shocker.